Good Boy, Good B…BOOM!

BERLIN (AFP) – A dog out on a walk happened upon a live US grenade from World War II and eagerly delivered it to his master, police said Monday, but authorities were able to defuse the explosive before it went off.

A 40-year-old woman had let the dog off its leash near a stream on a walk Sunday on the outskirts of the town of Erkrath in western Germany’s Neander Valley.

The animal found the grenade on the ground, picked it up in its jaws and trotted back to its owner.

“She recognised immediately that it was probably an old, rusted hand grenade,” police said. “On the orders of the woman, the dog obediently put his find back next to the stream.”

More…

That Sure Came in Hand-y!

A Chinese man lost his hand when it was ripped off at the wrist during a tug-of-war contest.

Mr Shi, 30, of Shenzen, joined the beach tug of war competition with more than 100 of his colleagues.

“I had done tug-of-war before. It was all fun and safe,” he told the Guangzhou Daily newspaper.

Entrants were divided into teams of five with Shi taking up the back position on his team. To stabilise himself, he wrapped the rope around his wrist and threw the loose end over his shoulder.

His match was heading for a draw when members of the audience started helping both teams to try to end the stalemate – without noticing Shi’s hand trapped in the rope.

“I called on people to stop, but my voice was too quiet to be noticed,” he said.

The competition was eventually halted when people noticed Shi holding up his damaged limb.

More…

Kim Jung (really is) Il

The former chef of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il says he loved to eat live fish ‘with the tail still thrashing’.

Kenji Fujimoto said the 68-year-old communist leader enjoyed raw fish so fresh “that it is still moving” washed down with fine French wines and brandies.

“He particularly enjoyed raw fish so fresh that he could start eating as its mouth is still gasping and the tail is still thrashing,” he said.

“I sliced the fish so as not to puncture any of the vital organs, so of course it was still moving. Kim Jong-il was delighted. He would eat with gusto.”

The 56-year-old chef, who is in hiding in Japan after fleeing North Korea, is to publish a book called I Was Kim Jong-il’s Cook.

More….

Be-be-be-de-be-deee…..That’s ALL Folks!

SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) – It was a simpler sort of drug trade.

Syracuse police say a 45-year-old man offered a slaughtered pig as partial payment for a bag of crack cocaine.

They say two men were spotted making the deal on a street corner just before 8 p.m. Thursday.

Angelo Colon of Fulton was arrested on a misdemeanor drug possession charge and 42-year-old Omar Veliz faces a felony drug sale charge.

Police say Colon paid half a pig and $10 for a $50 bag of crack. Veliz told police the pig was for a celebration for a relative being released from jail.

More….

But Did He Mow the Lawn?

VASSALBORO, Maine (AP) – A Maine man has been charged with operating under the influence after he and a friend made a beer run on a riding lawn mower.

Police say 51-year-old Danforth Ross of Vassalboro was charged May 29.

Trooper Joe Chretien had been flagged down by several motorists warning of a wayward mower and made the arrest after Ross and his friend emerged from a variety store with two cases of beer.

More….

I’ll Bet *THAT* Was Worth $10!

SALEM, N.H. (AP) – Police said a man drove his car at a friend in Salem, N.H., after the two argued over a $10 bar tab. The man, 23, was charged with two counts of first-degree assault, reckless conduct and criminal mischief. Police said the man and a co-worker were out drinking on Friday, and the two went to the co-worker’s house early Saturday.

Police said the two began arguing over a $10 bar tab. The suspect drove his car, hitting the co-worker, causing him to flip onto the hood.

More….

Well, THAT Had to Be a Pain in the Ass…

Residents who were fed-up living in Butt Hole Road have finally had the name changed.

The street which houses four homes in Conisbrough, South Yorkshire, has now been renamed Archer Way.

The road was named after a communal water butt used centuries ago.

Peter Sutton, who has lived on the street for six years said he got bored of all the jokes.

Pranksters used to visit the street and bare their backsides for photographs while delivery firms refused to believe it existed.

More…

A Turkey Dinner Gone Afowl!

MISHICOT, Wis. (AP) – A Wisconsin woman and her 5-year-old daughter got a fowl visitor when an unwelcome wild turkey crashed through a bedroom window.

Heidi Herrera said she was watching television with her daughter Thursday when the bird quickly charged into the living room of their home in the eastern Wisconsin town of Mishicot. Herrera got her daughter and their pet Chihuahua to safety in another bedroom. The mother then ventured out and found the turkey in the kitchen.

More…

Usually They Break OUT of Prison, Dood!

TEXARKANA, Ark. (AP) – A man caught breaking into the Miller County Jail last summer will soon leave his cell there for one in an Arkansas prison. Bobby Finley, 20, was accused of planning to sell drugs and tobacco inside the jail. Finley pleaded guilty Thursday to five felony counts and was sentenced to a total of 19 years in prison. But the sentences are to run consecutively and top out at five years.

Guards caught Finley using bolt cutters to get through the chain-link fence that surrounds the jail. Prosecutors said Finley had cocaine and marijuana in his possession.

“In 19 years of prosecuting you always encounter cases that make you believe you’ve seen it all – until you see a case of this nature,” Deputy Prosecutor Carlton Jones said. “It never ceases to amaze me.”

More…

A Different Kind of Crime With OJ

ALOHA, Ore. (AP) – An Oregon man spent Memorial Day in jail after dialing 911 to complain that a McDonald’s worker was rude and didn’t give him an orange juice he ordered. Raibin Osman was accused of improper use of the emergency telephone number.

The Oregonian newspaper reports that the 20-year-old bailed out of the Washington County Jail on Tuesday and could not be reached for comment.

More…

He Thong He Wouldn’t Get Caught!

ANDERSONVILLE, Tenn. (AP) – Deputies said a man who was caught wearing a woman’s thong was charged with a burglarizing a home. Chief Deputy Mark Lucas said deputies caught the 42-year-old man only wearing panties in an abandoned farm house. The officers followed his footprints from a nearby Andersonville home where a burglary had been reported.

More…

This Week’s Celebrations

National Dog Bite Prevention Week 17-25

National New Friends – Old Friends Week 17-23

National Effectiveness Week 18-25

National Backyard Games Week 18-25

Celebrations, Celebrations, Celebrations

Weekly:

National Return To Work Week (this follows update your references week)

National Etiquette Week

National Stuttering Awareness Week

Daily:

Thank God, the site has a printable daily calendar! Woo hoo!

Get Your Groove Thang On

Time to CELEBRATE!

May’s Monthlies:

Teen Self Esteem Month

National Good Car Keeping Month

Weekly:

Pen-Friends Week International

Flexible Work Arrangement Week

National Hug Holiday Week

Update Your References Week

Dating and Life Coach Recognition Week

Daily:

5 – Totally Chipotle Day

5 – Joseph Brackett Day

6 – Great American Grump Out

8 – No Socks Day

9 – International Migratory Bird Day

9 – Letter Carrier’s Food Drive Day

9 – Stay Up All Night Day

10 – Mother’s Day

10 – Windmill Day

11 – Eat What You Want Day

Life sucks, and then you die

A Good Samaritan was given a parking ticket – after he pulled over to help a heart attack victim in Germany.

First aider Steve Schiltenwolf, 42, of Wolfratshausen, spotted the woman collapse in the street and pulled up to give her help.

“I could see something really bad had happened and did what I could to help. I knew the best thing was to just get her an ambulance and the last thing I was thinking about was where and how long I could park my car,” he said.

“I waited with her for the ambulance to arrive but when I got back to my car I found a traffic warden writing a ticket. She could see what I’d stopped for and I tried to explain it but it didn’t make any difference.

Link.

Facebook: It’s not just for stupid people, it’s for really stupid people

A Swiss woman has lost her job after her bosses spotted she was using Facebook when she claimed to be too ill to use a computer.

The woman was suffering a migraine and had told her employer, Nationale Suisse, she needed to lie in a darkened room, reports the BBC.

The company said its discovery that she was also using Facebook destroyed its trust in her and prompted her sacking.

But the unnamed woman, who is from Basle, said she had been accessing the internet on her iPhone while in bed.

She said she did not believe the company’s assertion that a colleague had inadvertently noticed her using Facebook, accusing it instead of spying on her.

She said the company had created a fictitious Facebook persona which become “friends” with her, allowing the company to monitor her online activity.

Link

Too Close To Home

A Somerset postman was bitten by a snake as he collected letters from a postbox.

Alan Wakley, 58, was nipped by an adder when he put his hand into the post box, reports The Sun.

He bravely sucked out the poison before continuing on his round.

Link

Par-tay!

This week is…

• National Dance Week
• Astronomy Week
• Bread Pudding Recipe Exchange Week

Kick Up the Heels Daily…

• Sense of Smell Day  (4/28 )
• Hairstylists Appreciation Day (4/30)
• Law Day (5/01)
• Lei Day (5/01)
• May Day (5/01)
• Mother Goose Day (5/01)
• No Pants Day (5/01)
• Tuba Day (5/01)
• Free Comic Book Day (5/02)
• National Homebrew Day (5/02)
• Lumpy Rug Day (5/03)
• National Two Different Colored Shoes Day (5/03)
• Paranormal Day (5/03)
• Respect for Chickens Day (5/04)

May is….

• National Barbeque Month
• National Egg Month
• National Hamburger Month
• National Salad Month
• National Salsa Month
• National Vinegar Month
• Sweet Vidalia Onions Month
• Ultra-Violet Awareness Month

If a Man Laughs in the Woods and No One is Around Does He Make a Sound?

A helicopter rescue team were scrambled after screams were heard in a German forest – only to find a man laughing his head off at a new book.

A woman dialled 999 after she thought she could hear someone being tortured at the woodland near Elmstein, western Germany.

But ‘victim’ Roland Hofmann was astonished when armed police surrounded his car which he had driven into the forest and ordered him to give himself up and release his hostage.

He told police he had gone to the forest to read “in peace and quiet”.

More

Caught Bare-Assed and Posessing Thongs

HUTCHINSON, Kan. (AP) – Police charged a 48-year-old man with breaking into a 23-year-old woman’s apartment and stealing her underwear. Sgt. John Moore said Monday the woman told police she arrived home Friday to find her neighbor coming out of her bedroom, naked. She called police, who arrested the man trying to leave his apartment in possession of a pair of the woman’s panties.

The man was facing two counts of aggravated burglary because the woman was accompanied by her child when she walked in on him. He was also charged with theft, as well as lewd and lascivious behavior.

More

Caught Red Handed and Thonged

PASADENA, Calif. (AP) – A 30-year-old man was arrested and booked on suspicion of burglary Saturday after allegedly breaking into a woman’s home – and into her lingerie drawer. The 22-year-old victim called police when she returned home with a male friend and found the suspect in her bedroom. Pasadena police Lt. Chris Russ said the man held the suspect until police arrived and took him into custody.

That’s when officers discovered the suspect was wearing the victim’s lingerie under his own clothes.

More

Environmental Oopsie

VANCOUVER, Wash. (AP) – Washington state environmental regulators say they’ve finally found the source of pollution that has been fouling a creek near Vancouver Lake: the agency’s own sewer pipes.

City workers have discovered that an office building’s sewer line was mistakenly connected to a storm drain, rather than the municipal sewer main.

The 1970s-vintage building houses Washington state Department of Ecology regional offices, as well as those of the Department of Fish and Game and U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

Sewage from the building has been making its way into Burnt Bridge Creek and eventually into the lake. Jay Manning, the environmental agency’s director, says the discovery was “embarrassing and upsetting.”

More

Thanks, Law Profession!

A Cell Phone Manual Warns: Don’t Try to Dry Your Phone in a Microwave Oven

“We wouldn’t want anyone to make a sandwich out of them either,” Motorola spokesman Rusty Brashear joked to FOXNews.com.

But it turns out that the microwave warning is no laughing matter.

“It’s not quite as silly as it may sound,” Brashear said. “The reason is not only would it [the microwave] melt some or most of the components in a phone, but you don’t want to put lithium ion batteries in that kind of heat.”

As for who made Motorola think anyone would ever try to microwave a cell phone in the first place, the answer is simple: the people who did.

“There’s always an issue about how to dry out a phone if it’s gotten wet … and you can see where people might think the microwave is a good idea — so we had heard that it was being tried.”

A Hair Dryer Warns: Never Use While Sleeping

Think it’s impossible? Think again.

“Somebody did use a hair dryer while they were sleeping and it caused a fire in the bed,” Jones said.

As result, there’s a label on a number of hair appliances that warns against the practice.

Underwriters Laboratory, an independent organization that sets safety standards for just about every household appliance, says the warning started with the bonnet-style hair dryer.

“It pumps hot air up a hose into a bonnet that’s over your head,” UL Consumer Safety Director John Drengenberg told FOXNews.com. “You’ve got this nice warm air blowing on your head and you’re reading and you might nod off.”

The scenario is harder to picture with the handheld dryers and curling irons that also carry the warning, but Drengenberg said it, too, has happened.

“Although we don’t have a lot of statistics showing people doing this, ever so often you get someone who falls asleep,” he said.

A Curling Iron Warns: Do Not Use While Bathing or in Shower

What is it about hair care?

The same manual that tells you not to use your hair dryer or curling iron while sleeping gives a similar warning about bathing, and for good reason.

“The reality is that, yeah, we get reports ever so often of strange things happening with products, and it’s the kinds of things that you probably wouldn’t even consider doing — like taking your hair dryer or curling iron into the shower with you — but it happens,” Drengenberg said. “That fact is, yeah, people have done that.”

And in case common sense AND the warning aren’t enough, UL has taken things a step further.

“Hair dryers have a special plug on them,” Drengenberg said. “It’s a fat little box and inside that box is a high tech device called a GFCI that will turn off the power if you take that hair dryer into the shower with you.”

Phew!

A Watercraft Warns: Never Use Lit Match or Open Flame to Check Fuel Level

So, you’re in a dark place, trying to see if you have to put gasoline in your watercraft before you take it for a spin. Who has time to look for a flashlight?

“It’s happened where people have said, ‘I can’t see in the tank and see how much fuel there is and the only thing they have is a lighter,’” Drengenberg explained.

“And then they sue you for not warning,” he added. “It’s just the world we live in.”

But it might actually just be the country we live in.

“The thing that is I think most revealing about all these different labels, this one in particular, is you don’t see that warning label on products in Europe or Asia or any other part of the world,” Jones said.

The same goes for many others Jones sees in the Wacky Warning Labels contest he runs through the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

“We had a fountain pen where the warning label in English said: Do not swallow the pen cap,” Jones recalled. “But it didn’t say that in any of the other translations, and that’s because they don’t worry about frivolous pen-cap lawsuits there.”

Two-Pronged Fishing Hook Warns: Harmful If Swallowed

All this talk of pen caps might be making you hungry, but try to avoid the temptation to eat your fishing hook. Apparently, the jagged piece of metal can be harmful.

“The fishing hook contains a trace amount of lead and under California law if you have any amount of lead in a product you have to have a warning on it that says harmful if swallowed,” Jones explained. “So the attorneys advised that they put it on the box, even though no one would ever consider swallowing this thing.”

“It didn’t used to be this way,” he added. “Our grandparents didn’t need to be told not to swallow a fishing lure.”

Bet the fish wish someone would tell them.

iPod Shuffle Warns: Do Not Eat iPod Shuffle

Here’s another warning our grandparents never needed. Maybe because they didn’t have iPod Shuffles, or maybe because they would have known that the same machine that the plays their favorite dinner music probably isn’t meant to also be their dinner.

We apparently don’t deserve the same benefit of the doubt.

“There was a shot where the iPod was next to a pack of gum to show its size,” iPod spokesperson Christine Monaghan told FOXNews.com. “So that’s why the warning was there, because we said that it was smaller than a pack of gum.”

For over $100, that doesn’t sound like a very satisfying meal — not nearly as filling as, say, an LCD TV.

Too bad they’re also “not for personal consumption.”

ExtenZe Male Enhancement Pill: Do Not Use While Pregnant or Nursing

Luckily ExtenZe is for personal consumption, but … sorry, ladies … it will not enlarge your penis and it’s definitely off-limits if you’re pregnant or nursing.

“That falls in the category of we have so many warning labels we’ll slap it on everything we make to cover ourselves,” Jones said.

But the alert not only made it on the box, it is one of the only two warnings printed in capital letters.

“It’s like the box of PMS Midol that says ‘do not use if you have an enlarged prostate’ — chances are if you have PMS is you’re not going to have a prostate,” Jones said. “But we figured there might be some guy out there one night who might have such a bad headache, he might be willing to take his wife’s Midol. You never know.”

Still, FOX News Legal Analyst Bob Massi says it “just doesn’t make sense.”

“Let’s assume that language is specifically for the guys. It’s a confusing warning so it has no use anyway — it should make clear that guys shouldn’t take it if their partner is pregnant or nursing,” he told FOXNews.com. “And for it to be for a female doesn’t make sense either unless they’re going to explain why a female would take this stuff to begin with.”

Maybe she’s having a boy?

Children’s Dimetapp Warns: Be Careful When Driving a Motor Vehicle

It makes perfect sense that children between the ages of 6 and 12 should be very, very careful the next time they take the family car out for a spin after taking Children’s Dimetapp.

“Again, this is a case where they’ve got all these warnings so they’re just going to throw them on everything they make,” Jones said.

The kids should apparently also be careful when operating heavy machinery and ask a health professional before use if they’re pregnant or breast-feeding.

Razor Scooter Warns: This Product Moves When Used

In case the cold medicine warning leads parents to restrict the car keys altogether, kids can always hop on a Razor scooter to get around. But they should pay very close attention to the warning smack dab in the middle of the handlebars lest they not realize: the scooter will move when used.

“That one is because of all the injuries that occur when kids use a product like that,” Jones said. “The personal injury lawyers who bring these lawsuits will always say in lawsuits that the company failed to warn — even if it’s it common sense.”

“That’s why every bag of peanuts warns: this bag contains nuts,” he added.

Our next warning might benefit from a similar label.

Washing Machine Warns: Do Not Put Any Person in This Washer

Everyone knows that washing machines are made to wash your clothes, but apparently a college student missed the memo that he’s not supposed to be wearing them at the time.

“According to the manufacture, somebody at a college had a little too much to drink and decided to take a ride in the washing machine, got hurt, and sued,” Jones said. “So something that should be common sense has to be slapped on every washing machine now made by that manufacturer.”

Drengenberg said children are also a major concern when it comes to washing machine warnings.

“Ever so often you have a situation where one sibling puts the other in the dryer or they’re playing hide and seek or something and somebody pushes the button,” he explained.

The warning’s effectiveness on children is debatable, Drengenberg admitted, since the small ones usually can’t read.

“It’s alerting the parents: keep your kids at a safe distance,” he said.

Clorox Bleach Wipes: Do Not Use as Diaper Wipes or for Personal Cleansing

Now that you know you can’t throw the baby in the washing machine you might be at a loss for how you’re ever going to clean up his latest disaster. But just in case you were thinking that this sounds like a job for Clorox, think again. The company’s disinfecting wipes may look a lot like diaper wipes, but, as the package points out in bold, they aren’t.

“Ah yes, that’s actually one of our past winners, too, along with the Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Brush that says: Do not use for personal hygiene,” Jones said.

Luckily, he wasn’t aware of any lawsuits where someone tried to shower with the toilet brush or use the Clorox wipes on their baby.

A Vanishing Fabric Marker Warns: Should Not Be Used as a Writing Instrument for Signing Checks or Any Legal Documents

Surprisingly, Jones also had no information on any lawsuits regarding this “Wacky Warning Labels” finalist either … though it’s possible the legal documents just disappeared.

“It should be common sense not to sign a contract with a vanishing marker, but you never know,” he said.

But he did come up with an instance in which this warning might not apply.

“I think a lot of people will be tempted to use this for their tax returns.”

Link.

Kim Jong Il Orders You To Cerebrate!

This week:

National Environmental Week

National Personal Training Week

Egg Salad Week

Daily:

Tax Freedom Day – 13

National Be Kind To Lawyers Day – 14

Income Tax Pay Day – 15

High Five Day – 16

International Stress Awareness Day – 16

National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day – 16

Blah Blah Blah Day – 17

Pet Owner’s Independence Day – 18

World Amateur Radio Day – 18 (Fuck yeah!)

Husband Appreciation Day – 18 (Fuck yeah again!)

National Hanging Out Day – 19

Anniversary of the OKC bombing – 19

Guess He Had A Mini Ha Ha In Minnehaha County

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. – A federal judge sentenced a Sioux Falls man to probation, a fine and restitution for sending a letter containing animal feces in the mail. Jeffrey Dezeeuw, 45, pleaded guilty to a count of mailing injurious articles.

Prosecutors said he smeared the excrement on a traffic citation, a note and cash that he sent to the Minnehaha County Clerk of Courts on July 21.

Link

The Real News Here? The Judge Likes Watching Unedited Porn

GARDENA, Calif. – A judge says a commercial helicopter pilot videotaped in a sex act while flying over San Diego committed gross negligence and cannot have his license back.

National Transportation Safety Board administrative law Judge William R. Mullins upheld a Federal Aviation Administration order revoking the license of David Martz after a hearing Tuesday.

Martz had no comment after the ruling.

A passenger was videotaping when Martz let an adult film actress perform a sex act on him during the 2005 flight, and an edited version eventually became public.

The judge watched the unedited tape in chambers and took testimony before his decision.

Link

Hillbilly Funeral

MAGNOLIA, Ark. – Sheriff’s deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charges, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.

The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man’s mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest.

Link

Socialized Medicine: What Could Go Wrong?

A Chinese pensioner can finally sit in comfort after doctors removed a broken syringe needle which had been stuck in his bottom for 31 years.

Lao Du, 55, of Zhengzhou, said the needle was left in his rear by an ‘amateurish’ doctor in 1978, reports the Zhongyuan Network.

“I got a cold and went to see an amateurish doctor in my hometown village, but the needle broke off once it pierced my bum,” he said.

“I was sent to a provincial hospital immediately. After being hospitalised for nine days, doctors checked me but failed to find the broken needle.”

Lao Du said he always believed the broken needle was still in his bottom and four or five years ago he began to feel sharp pains regularly in his rear.

“Even walking has become a suffering to me,” he said.

“I sought help from too many hospitals but none of them dared to do the surgery for me as they are not quite sure if they can find a tiny broken needle from 31 years ago.”

Link

Didn’t This Happen In A Movie?

A Polish driver is facing a prison sentence after a ‘dead’ deer he left on the back seat of his car regained consciousness.

Dariusz Kaminski, 25, told police he’d picked up the deer from a grass verge on his way to work in his tiny Fiat 126 .

He thought it had been killed crossing the road in Lublin, eastern Poland, but it was just stunned.

The deer later came to in the parked car after Mr Kaminski had gone to work. Passers-by called the police after the deer stood on the car horn.

Link

Maybe The Plane Just Didn’t Like Him

An aircraft took off on its own when the pilot could not get into the cockpit in time after starting the propellor manually.

Hundreds of visitors to an air show at Goodwood airfield watched in horror as the runaway biplane took off, soared into the air and then crashed into trees, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Had it cleared the trees it is believed the plane, which was headed towards nearby Chichester, West Sussex, could have flown for around 150 miles on a full tank of fuel.

Link