Entries from November 2008
Just a handy guide to surviving Thanksgiving this year:
- Make sure the turkey is thawing two or three days prior to the big day.
- Wash and chop as much as you can the night before.
- If your big meal is lunch, push it off to 1 or 2 o’clock and sleep in an extra hour. You’ll need your strength.
- Allow 4-5 hours for a good size turkey to cook. Get your bird in the oven.
- Have a drink. Don’t worry if it’s only 9AM. Have a good stiff drink.
- Finish off your other dishes while the big bird browns.
- Crack a beer while you chop.
- Clean as you go.
- Enjoy your huge family meal with a big glass of wine or a beer or two.
- Scoot back from the table, loosen your belt and enjoy dessert.
- Fore go coffee with your dessert. Instead have a nice brandy or cocktail with that pie.
- Clear the table and don’t worry with the dishes.
- Join the family and reminisce about holidays gone by over a hard, hot apple cider.
- Call your cousin a whore for dating a Puerto Rican.
- Poke your uncle in the chest with two fingers when he comes to his daughter’s defense.
- Spill your cider.
- Get a beer to replace it.
- Tell you mom that you’ve always thought those penciled in eyebrows look ridiculous.
- Spill your beer.
- Get a beer to replace it.
- Challenge your dad to “take it outside” since he followed you to the kitchen cussing you out for the remark about his wife’s eyebrows.
- Take it outside.
- Fight with your dad on the front lawn until the police arrive with the TV crew from Cops.
- Throw a beer can at the cops.
- Wrestle with the cops until you’re naked.
- Call home and cuss your brother out while asking him to come bail you out of jail.
- Meet a new friend named Bruce.
- Make bail.
- Ride home with your brother and dad in an awkward silence.
- Clean up the dishes.
- Go shopping on Black Friday for a new TV because you can’t figure out how yours got a shoe through the screen.
- Make a leftover turkey sandwich and watch yourself on Cops.
- What the heck, have a beer.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
This week we celebrate:
- National Game and Puzzle Week
- Better Conversation Week
This week’s daily parties:
- Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day (11/24)
- Shopping Reminder Day (11/25)
- Tie One On Day (11/26)
- Black Friday (11/28)
- Buy Nothing Day (11/28)
- Flossing Day (11/28)
- Maize Day (11/28)
- National Meth Awareness Day (11/30)
- Stay Home Because You’re Well Day (11/30)
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Breaking news!
Hitler really only *did* have one testicle!
This news brought to you because people really *DO* want to be informed about this shit!
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Perhaps it’s revenge for too many bon bon nights?
A Bristol family claim their sofa is haunted.
Receptionist Christine Strange, of Bristol, says her couch has started making weird noises that are getting louder and louder.
“One Sunday morning I sat down on it with a cup of tea and suddenly heard this odd squeaky noise.
“I thought I must be going mad but Poppy, my Yorkshire terrier, heard it too.
“She started sniffing around but then got scared and ran away.
“It could be an alien for all we know. The noise is getting louder and louder. I’m scared it’s going to come bursting out one evening while we’re watching TV.”
The Sun reports husband Nigel, 54, refuses to sit on the sofa.
But experts say Britain is suffering a bad dose of supernatural apparitions.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Desperate measures for desperate times…
A Romanian entrepreneur has come under fire for putting plastic prostitutes on the street to advertise his garden gnome business.
Neighbours in Lilieci, Bacau county, complain the realistic figures distract motorists and are an unsuitable sight for local children.
Cristi Birgu, 27, who has just set up his business, defends his “aggressive advertising” and says the dummies will remain outside his house to drum up trade.
Apart from garden gnomes and prostitutes, he makes reproductions of Laurel and Hardy, Elvis, sports stars, cartoon characters and animals.
Mr Birgu said: “So far, my girls have attracted a lot of beeping from truck drivers but not too many customers. Sometimes I am afraid somebody might have an accident, arrested by the view, you know.”
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Seriously – hand this boy a book!
Italian medics diagnosed a 13-year-old boy with Playstation addiction after his desperate father rushed him to hospital.
At first doctors at southern Italy’s Lecce hospital thought Lorenzo Amato was suffering from a stroke or a severe brain disorder.
The teenager couldn’t speak and didn’t seem to understand anything going on around him. Then doctors discovered he’d just finished a marathon session on his new Playstation.
Local politician Antonio Buccoliero, who spoke to the doctors, said: “They eventually managed to take care of him once they understood that this was a strange kind of mental detachment connected to his Playstation.”
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Seems like everyone is taking an economic tumble these days….
LEAVENWORTH, Kan. (AP) – There’s probably an art to stealing – and cracking open – ATMs. But a man apparently hasn’t figured out what it is.
Police say a 49-year-old man was arrested for prying an ATM loose from a credit union early Sunday by using a stolen skid loader. Then, in a bid to break open the cash machine, police say the suspect used the skid loader to drop the 3,000-pound machine straight down a 50-foot wooded embankment.
But things didn’t go as planned. When the skid loader dropped down the hill, the man went with it.
The suspect took a wild ride down the embankment from the skid loader cage. The man, skid loader and ATM tumbled downhill through the woods.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
The sky is falling and we have these extravagances! For shame!
NEW YORK (AP) – What a relief! The free public restrooms operated by the Charmin toilet paper company in Times Square during the holidays have been rolled out for another year.
It’s the third straight year for the 20 deluxe stalls.
The plush potties feature flat-screen televisions, attendants dressed in tuxedos and plenty of Charmin.
The loos are so luxurious that Charmin promises Times Square tourists will feel like kings sitting on their thrones before making their royal flushes.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
We love Nebraska:
OMAHA, Neb. (AP) – Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn’t been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the “Butt Bandit.”
Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind – sometimes his groin, sometimes both – on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it’s “the act of a lone deviant.”
“This isn’t normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.,” Scott said. “It’s an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here.”
The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
…and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Harwich police have a musical mystery on their hands: Who left a piano in the middle of the woods? And why?
The Baldwin piano discovered in the Bells Neck woods appears to be in perfect working condition and had a matching bench as if it had recently been played.
The piano was discovered Saturday by a woman walking along a path inside a conservation area at the woods.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
No? Wanna buy some?
FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. – Here’s some food for thought: If you have nude photos of your wife on your cell phone, hang onto it.
Phillip Sherman of Arkansas learned that lesson after he left his phone behind at a McDonald’s restaurant and the photos ended up online. Now he and his wife, Tina, are suing the McDonald’s Corp., the franchise owner and the store manager.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Bad things can happen!
(UPI) – A security guard at a Scientology facility in Los Angeles was acting in self defense when he shot and killed a sword-wielding man Sunday afternoon, police said.
The man — who was not immediately identified — brandished a samurai sword in each hand as he got out of a car and approached three security guards at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, the Los Angeles Times reported.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
You know it’s bad when they stop buying Vodka.
MOSCOW (Reuters) – The global financial crisis has grown so bad that Russians are cutting back on vodka.
Stockpiles of Russia’s national drink were six times higher at the start of the month than the same time a year ago because factories are producing vodka faster than they can sell it, an alcohol industry lobby and research group said on Monday.
“People are having to save money, including on drinks, and this is connected to the impact of the financial crisis on people’s disposable incomes,” Pavel Shapkin, president of the National Alcohol Association (NAA), told Reuters.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Thanksgiving, the worst time of year to carjack someone.
RALEIGH, N.C. – Stopped. Cold turkey. North Carolina authorities say a shopper clubbed an alleged carjacker with a frozen turkey as he tried to steal a woman’s car in a grocery store parking lot Sunday.
Police say 30-year-old Fred Louis Ervin of Raleigh stole money from a gas station before running across the street to a Harris Teeter store in a town just south of Raleigh. Garner police say he began beating Irene Moorman Bailey while stealing her car.
Other shoppers came to her rescue, including one who hit Ervin with the turkey. Police did not release the person’s name.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
You know what they say about fools…..
OMAHA, Neb. – When Danielle Nitzel found her three-year-old marriage drawing its last breath in 2004, she couldn’t afford the minimum of $1,000 she was told she would need to hire a divorce lawyer.
So she did what more and more Americans are doing: She represented herself in court.
“I looked online and just tried to figure out how to write out the paperwork,” said Nitzel, a nursing student who at the time had little money and a pile of education loans. “I think it cost us $100 to file it ourselves.”
The number of people serving as their own lawyers is on the rise across the country, and the cases are no longer limited to uncontested divorces and small claims. Even people embroiled in child custody cases, potentially devastating lawsuits and bankruptcies are representing themselves, legal experts say.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Don’t pull on Superman’s cape, don’t spit in the wind, don’t pull the mask off the Lone Ranger and don’t fuck around with Yangyang.
BEIJING (Reuters) – A panda at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media said Saturday.
The 20-year-old male student surnamed Liu jumped over the fence at the zoo in the tourist city of Guilin, ignoring warning signs not to, Xinhua news agency said.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Boy George on trial.
LONDON – A Norwegian escort told a court Monday that Boy George manacled him to a bedroom wall and beat him with a metal chain after accusing him of hacking into his computer.
The former Culture Club singer is on trial for the false imprisonment of 29-year-old Audun Carlsen.
The 47-year-old singer, who is standing trial under his real name, George O’Dowd, denies the charge.
Carlsen told London’s Snaresbrook Crown Court that he met the singer through a Web site and went to his London home for a naked photo shoot. After the encounter Boy George sent a series e-mails accusing Carlsen of hacking into his computer, but Carlsen nonetheless agreed to return for a second photo session several weeks later in April 2007.
Carlsen told the jury that when he arrived Boy George and another man held him down and beat him before the singer handcuffed him to a hook in the bedroom wall.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Okay – not quite as much fun as a REAL sex party….
SYDNEY, Australia — The name may seem like a joke, but the Australian Sex Party is serious — serious about sex, according to their slogan.
The country’s newest political party is also serious about a number of other issues: quashing a government proposal for a national Internet filter that would block 10,000 Web sites; instituting a national sex education curriculum; and pushing for the legalization of gay marriage.
The party — launched Thursday at Sexpo, an annual sex exhibition in Melbourne — has already gathered the required 500 members and plans to register with the electoral commission next week.
While most of its members are drawn from Eros — Australia’s national adult industry association— the Sex Party believes it can attract a broader base.
“We’re concerned about the Australian government becoming a nanny state, and about this conservative creep in politics,” party convener and Eros head Fiona Patten told The Associated Press by phone.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
It’s Green Week!
Wednesday, November 19th was World Toilet Day!
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Why didn’t O.J. think of this?
An Oz driver has been fined AU$600 for “offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction” after cracking one off into a pasta sauce jar even as coppers attempted to subdue him with batons and capsicum spray following a “slow-speed” car chase through Newcastle, New South Wales.
The drama began when officers spotted Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, “parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby’s Beach on October 26″. According to the Newcastle Herald, they thought he “might have a weapon”* since he was “doing something with his hands in his lap”.
He was in fact “partially clothed with his genitals in a jar”, a police report explained. The perp made a dash for it, was pulled, refused to exit the vehicle and four officers were obliged to persuade him from his car.
The law enforcement operatives identified “a 750mm** jar around his penis” and said Weatherley gamely insisted on continuing to pleasure himself “between bouts of wrestling”.
A search of Weatherley’s motor uncovered “pornography, a homemade sex aid, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier”.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
No…. not the beer!!!
Still, he should be lauded for his efforts!
LEWISTON, Maine — A Lewiston man who shed 140 pounds to join the Marines is headed to Parris Island, S.C., to begin boot camp.
Topping out at 330 pounds, Ulysses Milana was rejected by Army and Navy recruiters. But Marine recruiters worked with him as he lost about 20 pounds a month.
It wasn’t easy, Milana said, but he managed to slim down through exercise, more healthful eating habits and giving up the occasional beer after work. He said he was even able to forgo a beer at his going-away party Saturday night.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
From the Do As I Say, Not As I Do Dept.
TOKYO (Reuters) – A senior Tokyo police official tasked with keeping the city’s roads clear of drunk drivers has been arrested for driving under the influence, police said on Tuesday.
The deputy inspector, on his way home from a camping site, was caught late on Monday after bumping into another car and veering off the road, said a police official in Ibaraki.
I, for one, welcome our new drunken overlords.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Can’t we all just get along?
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) – A driver who threw an axe at another motorist, wounding him, has been sentenced to 37 days in jail. The man, 51, was sentenced Friday in Lancaster County Court for third-degree assault and criminal mischief after pleading no contest to the charges.
Authorities said two vehicles were traveling near an intersection on June 13 and one cut in front of the other, prompting both vehicles to stop. The man threw a 3-foot axe through the other driver’s passenger window, striking him in the ribs with the blunt end.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
There’s no free room and board outta prison!
PADUCAH, Ky. (AP) – Chad Toy’s escape from jail wasn’t what shocked his jailers; it was his plea to be let back in. “When I rang the bell at the jail and told them who I was, they were surprised,” Toy told The Paducah (Ky.) Sun newspaper. “I guess they haven’t seen that before.”
Toy, 21, was in the McCracken County Regional Jail in western Kentucky awaiting trial on charges stemming from a July home invasion. He’s also serving a four-year sentence for theft.
Officials said he escaped early Monday while on a cleanup detail in the lobby. He bolted after a guard unlocked the front doors to clean trash from a breezeway.
But Toy returned that afternoon, wet and covered with grime.
In all fairness, he said it was a split-second decision. I bet that home invasion wasn’t too well planned out either there, Bub!
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Perhaps some Allegra-D is in order?
BOSTON (AP) – An untimely sneeze nearly cost Andrew Hanson his life. The 42-year-old Weymouth man told authorities that a sneeze caused him to lose control of his pickup on Soldiers Field Road and plunge into Boston’s Charles River on Tuesday.
Hanson was able to wade to shore after escaping from the truck, which was partially submerged in 4 feet of water. He was not seriously injured but was taken to a hospital as a precaution.
Link
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Bing bang walla wall bing bang
JERUSALEM – Archeologists believe a 12,000-year-old skeleton found in a grave containing 50 tortoise shells, a leopard pelvis, a cow tail and part of an eagle wing is the remains of a witch doctor.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Now include dead people.
MAUSTON, Wis. – A woman accused of helping her religious leader hide a decaying corpse on her toilet so they could continue collecting her Social Security was convicted of a misdemeanor in a deal for her to testify against the leader, a prosecutor said Monday.
Tammy Lewis, 36, of Necedah, pleaded no contest to obstructing a police officer and fined $350 in a plea bargain that defers prosecution of more serious charges. Juneau County Circuit John Roemer ordered her to pay the fine within 60 days or serve a seven-day jail sentence.
Lewis and Alan Bushey, 58, were accused of hiding 90-year-old Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth’s body on a toilet in Lewis’ home after she died in March. Investigators said Middlesworth and Lewis were members of a religious sect Bushey led called the Order of the Divine Will.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
Alternatively titled, “Lost in Space: Arachnid Edition
So far, there’s been only one problem. Astronauts could only find one of the space spiders inside their habitat.
“We’re not missing a spider,” space station flight director Holly Ridings assured reporters Monday, adding that — since it’s NASA — there is a backup spider with his own designated area. “The way it was explained to me, he came out of his bedroom and may be into the living room of the house.
But it gets better! Your tax dollars at work!
Endeavour ferried Magnus to the station as part of a planned 15-day mission to deliver a new bathroom, kitchen, gym, two extra bedrooms and a recycling system that turns urine into drinking water so the research facility can double the number of astronauts that can live aboard.
Categories: Show Piles November 2008
