Stupid Criminals: The “Math Expert” Edition

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. (AP) – Eau Claire police said a man accused of stealing a soda worth $1.57 chose to go to jail rather than pay up, even though he was carrying more than $70. Police responding to the report of a theft recently say the 27-year-old man appeared drunk. An employee told officers the man had taken a cup from the counter, filled it and began drinking.

When employees told him he had to pay for the drink or leave, the man refused to do either.

A police officer told the man he could pay $1.57 or go to jail, and the man chose jail. The officer handcuffed and searched him, finding the money in his pocket.

The man was issued an ordinance citation for retail theft.

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Stupid Criminals: The “Large Amount of Saliva” Edition

SANDPOINT, Idaho (AP) – A northern Idaho man convicted of a traffic violation in Bonner County was ordered to spend two days in jail after he spit on the courthouse floor in anger. First District Court Judge Justin Julian found 59-year-old Daniel Malone in contempt on Wednesday.

Julian said the man glared before “maliciously expelling a large amount of saliva” onto a carpet in the courthouse hallway. Earlier in the day, the judge found Malone guilty of failing to obey a stop sign in September.

He was ordered to pay a $75 fine.

Malone said he is innocent of the traffic violation and suggested the judge should show mercy because it was Christmas Eve. Julian told Malone there was no excuse for his behavior.

Malone was released from jail on Friday.

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Stupid Criminials: The “Owie” Edition

ATHENS, Tenn. (AP) – Athens police said a burglary suspect who was cut when he entered a convenience store through a shattered glass door returned to the scene two hours later to ask officers for help. Police said a 21-year-old man will be charged with burglary when he is released from the hospital.

Officer Chandler Rollo said he was at the store waiting for a manager to arrive with a key after the break-in when the blood-covered suspect approached him Christmas Eve.

The suspect required dozens of stitches in his hand and ankle.

Police said a couple of cartons of cigarettes, valued at $36, were taken.

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Bathroom Not as HOT as it Was Before!

BOISE, Idaho (AP) – The men’s room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it appeal as a tourist stop, an official said.

“We’re getting there,” said Patrick Hogan, director of public affairs for the Metropolitan Airports Commission. “I think we’ll all be glad when there’s no special interest in that restroom.”

Craig was accused of soliciting sex in the bathroom in June 2007 and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in August 2007.

One person had offered to buy the restroom stall for $5,000, Hogan said, but airport officials “don’t sell fixtures for novelty purposes.”

Though tourist interest has withered, the surge of publicity from Craig’s arrest helped end the type of activity in the restroom that had prompted lewd-conduct complaints, he said.

Plans to modify the restroom to prevent occupants from passing signals were scrapped because complaints dropped.

“It is the busiest restroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International,” Hogan told The Spokesman-Review. “It’s right in the middle of our main thoroughfare.”

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Auld Lang :::: Whirrrrrr ::::

Where can I get a plane ticket, dammit?

NEW YORK (AP) – Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Or maybe shredded?

In an event that organizers hope will become a New Year’s tradition, New Yorkers and tourists were invited to bring bad memories from 2008 to Times Square on Sunday and feed them to an industrial-strength shredder.

“This is the perfect way to move on from a bad year, from a bad experience,” said Kathryn Bonn, of New York City, who shredded a printout of her boyfriend’s e-mail breaking up with her.

The event, the second annual “Good Riddance Day,” was sponsored by the Times Square Alliance, organizers of the New Year’s Eve ball-dropping celebration.

Some participants wrote “the stock market” or “cancer” on a piece of paper and shredded it, while others shredded bags of bank statements and check stubs.

Kate Anello, a Yankees fan from New York City, destroyed a poster of the city’s longtime rival, the Boston Red Sox.

“I hate them,” she said. “It felt good.”

City resident Jay Ballesteros won a $250 prize for the most creative object to be shredded: a sock representing all the socks that emerge from the laundry without their mates.

“I’m hoping to use the prize to buy some brand new socks,” he said.

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Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!

NEW YORK (AP) – A New York City man has designed a calendar that will drive Bubble Wrap fanatics popping-mad.

The Daily News of New York reports in Thursday editions that Stephen Turbek is selling a poster-size calendar covered with the plastic bubbles. Customers can pop a bubble each day to mark the passage of time.

The Brooklyn man says he has sold thousands of Bubble Calendars. A handmade calendar with paper backing is available online for $30 and a plastic version costs $50.

Turbek says it makes a perfect gift for obsessive people – as long as they don’t pop the whole year on the first day they get it.

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A Dumb Idea Up in Smoke!

Um….DUH?

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. (AP) – Fire officials in New Bedford, Mass., say a man using a blowtorch to melt ice on his back porch ended up setting his house on fire, causing up to $30,000 in damage.

Fire Capt. Scott Kruger tells The Standard-Times of New Bedford that no on was injured during Monday’s incident at the three-story home.

Kruger says the man was using a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder. He got too close to the building’s wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding. The fire quickly spread into the building’s second- and third-floor apartments.

It took 25 firefighters to subdue the blaze that damaged bedrooms in the upstairs units, and caused damage to the structure and wiring.

The homeowner will not be charged.

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Let’s Celebrate! Out with 2008 and in with 2009!

January is:

• California Dried Plum Digestive Month
• International Change Your Stars Month
• National Be On-Purpose Month
• National Get Organized Month
• National Mail Order Gardening Month
• National Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month
• Oatmeal Month

This week we celebrate:

• Kwanzaa
• Silent Record Week
• Some Day We’ll Laugh About This Week

This week’s daily parties:

• Tick Tock Day (12/29)
• Falling Needles Family Fest Day (12/30)
• Make Up Your Mind Day (12/31)
• No Interruptions Day (12/31)
• New Year’s Dishonor List Day (1/1)
• Z Day (1/1)
• Happy Mew Year for Cats Day (1/2)
• Get Your Hernia Fixed Day (1/2)
• Fruitcake Toss Day (1/3)
• National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day (1/3)
• Dimpled Chad Day (1/4)
• Pop Music Chart Day (1/4)
• Trivia Day (1/4)
• World Hypnotism Day (1/4)

A Plethora of Ho Ho Hos

A new world record has been set in Romania after nearly 4,000 Father Christmases took to the streets handing out presents.

A total of 3.939 people dressed as Santa Claus took part in the record-breaking parade in Bucharest.

Guinness World Records officials confirmed it had beaten the previous record held by Taipei since 2003 with 3,618 Santas.

One of the Santas, Maria S, 72, said: “I left all my problems at home and came out here to be part of something special. It’s Christmas spirit and we should all celebrate.”

Bucharest mayor Sorin Oprescu said: “We wanted to surprise kids by bringing not one Santa but thousands of them. This is the biggest gathering of Santas handing out gifts.”

He added that the city was now planning two more world record bids – for the longest sausage – currently 7,381 ft – and the longest cake – which stands at 459ft.

Another Romanian city, Brasov, recently sent the world’s longest Christmas letter after schoolchildren wrote a 1,357ft long wish list to Santa.

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Let’s Celebrate

This week we celebrate:

• It’s About Time Week

This week’s daily parties:

• Last Minute Shopper’s Day (12/24)
• A’phabet Day or No “L” Day (12/25)
• Boxing Day in Canada (12/26)
• National Candy Cane Day (12/26)
• National Whiner’s Day (12/26)
• National Chocolate Day (12/28)
• Card Playing Day (12/28)
• Call a Friend Day (12/28)

Meat….Sexy, Sexy Meat

May God continue to bless Burger King.

On the heels of the mockumentary Whopper Virgins, Burger King is launching an actual beef-scented cologne to grab attention, and keep the grill marks of its brand firmly seared in to the collective cerebral cortex.

The fragrance is for real, and retails for just $4 bucks. It’s available on FireMeetsDesire.com, the BK site with a slideshow of soothing images of waterfalls and beaches and finally the naked King to get you in the mood for fast food.

Exporting Liberalism

The best way to deal with our enemies.

GUANGZHOU, China – While animal lovers in Beijing protested the killing of cats for food on Thursday, a butcher in Guangdong province — where felines are the main ingredient in a famous soup — just shrugged her shoulders and wielded her cleaver. “Cats have a strong flavor. Dogs taste much better, but if you really want cat meat, I can have it delivered by tomorrow,” said the butcher, who gave only her surname, Huang.

It was just this attitude that outraged about 40 cat lovers who unfurled banners in a tearful protest outside the Guangdong government office in Beijing. Many were retirees who care for stray felines they said were being rounded up by dealers.

We Got Cows!

That’s one lucky cow!

LONDON (AP) – A British pilot said he ran into an unusual hazard while making an emergency landing – a cow. Rob Wotton said he was trying to land his World War II-era Tiger Moth after the engine stalled just after takeoff southwest of London on Sept. 14. He was about to touch down in a field when the animal wandered into his way.

Video of the event on YouTube shows the brown-and-white cow being knocked to the ground by the plane’s lower left wing. The two-seater was damaged but landed safely.

An accident report said the cow was “apparently uninjured.”

Wotton said he might paint a cow on the plane to mark the event.

He says: “I have to say it is the first cow I have ever hit in 22 years’ flying.”

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Stupid Criminals: The “Quit Mocking Me” Edition

Hahahaha….wonder what this did to Mr. Criminal’s self esteem?

SAN ANTONIO (AP) – A San Antonio fast-food restaurant cashier laughed at a robbery suspect and told him to get a job if he wanted money during a failed holdup on Tuesday evening.

Police said the suspect approached the worker and demanded money, but the cashier laughed and apparently didn’t realize the man was trying to hold up the place.

The suspect then allegedly pulled out a box cutter and demanded the cashier’s wallet. The employee complied, but had no money in his billfold.

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I’m Just Happy I Didn’t Spit When I was There!

Whew….glad this law has changed…heh.

SARASOTA, Fla. (AP) – Spitting is now OK in Sarasota. City commissioners voted Monday to abolish a law dating back to 1908 that banned spitting. They argued the law was unenforceable. Lawyers said it was used to target those in lower income neighborhoods.

But for the past century it was illegal. And although seldom enforced, it’s still illegal to spit on sidewalks and other public spaces in many cities.

Sarasota police arrested two men in 2007 on charges of public spitting. Both men had criminal histories that include drug possession. A police spokesman said the arrests were part of a push to curb crime in neighborhoods known for illegal drug sales.

Reports said cash and marijuana was found on a third person arrested this month for spitting.

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You Have Yellow Butter? Put ‘em UP!

Gotta love it…

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) – A state legislator wants to dump a 19th-century law banning the sale of yellow margarine, though it’s been years since any violator was ordered to spread ‘em.

Rep. Sara Lampe said Tuesday she plans to file legislation repealing the law when the 2009 legislative session starts in January.

Most of Missouri’s restrictions on imitation butter date to 1895, and they were last amended in 1939. Although the state no longer enforces them, the penalties could still make dealers in contraband dairy product toast: up to a month in jail and a $100 fine for first-time offenders and six months in jail and a $500 fine for repeat offenders.

Enforcement of the law falls to the state Agriculture Department, and officials there didn’t know when someone was last prosecuted under it. Case records from the late 19th and early 20th century show that Missouri courts upheld the constitutionality of the restrictions in several appeals.

Agriculture Department spokeswoman Misti Preston said it’s likely that the Legislature restricted margarine and other imitation butter products to protect Missouri’s dairy industry, which was a key business for the state in the early 20th century.

According to the National Association of Margarine Manufacturers, by 1902, 32 states home to 80 percent of Americans had restrictions on the color of imitation margarine. Congress in 1886 passed a federal tax on the spread by that was repealed by President Harry S. Truman in 1950.

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It’s Not Just for Breakfast Anymore!

That must have been SOOOOME egg beater!

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) – It really must have been a special item. According to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, two men entered a man’s home early Sunday and demanded his eggbeater. One suspect was holding a pistol while the other brandished a knife to the resident’s neck.

Police caught the men outside the home and they are being held in Orient Road Jail. One suspect also faces a charge of aggravated assault.

Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.

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Deck the Halls with Stolen Santas….

WESTMINSTER, Calif. (AP) – A suspicious surplus of Christmas spirit led to the arrest of a man in Southern California. Westminster police say officers responded to a disturbance call at the house of 48-year-old Vuong Pham, where they found rooms overflowing with wicker reindeer, plastic snowmen and inflatable Santas.

For weeks people in Pham’s Orange County neighborhood had reported a steady disappearance of lights, figures and faux trees from their front yards.

Police say they connected the thefts to Pham after looking through his house and arrested him Monday on suspicion of grand theft and possession of stolen property.

Officer Cameron Knauerhaze says it took three trucks to take all the Christmas contraband to the station. Police weren’t clear on the motive.

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Stupid Criminals: The “Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah…She’s Lovin’ It” Edition

She’s lovin’ it!

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) – It was a Big N’ Tasty burger and one trip to jail to go for a woman suspected of DWI in St. Paul. Police said a 26-year-old woman pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru with squad car lights flashing and sirens blaring behind her. The woman had time to eat a couple of fries before police caught up to her and arrested her on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday.

The woman said says she saw the cruiser at the McDonald’s, heard an officer honking the horn and figured she was getting pulled over because her driver’s license was revoked. She told the St. Paul Pioneer Press in a jail interview: “I thought they were fixing to mess with me. … I was fixing to get something to eat.”

The woman said she couldn’t get out of the drive-through because cars were behind and in front of her.

She’s contesting the accuracy of a breath test she took.

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Parents Of The Year

Not really.

Two Sandwich Assults a Trend Doth Make?

Not again!!!  The HORROR!

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (AP) – Police said a Port St. Lucie man was arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend, the second food attack that sent a man to jail in about a month. According to a police report released Monday, the 20-year-old man threw the sandwich at his girlfriend’s face during an argument about auto insurance and then hit her head with his fist.

The man admitted to throwing the food but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge.

Last month, another man was arrested on a battery charge for hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a traffic crash.

Police reports did not [include] what type of sandwich was used in either attack.

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Stupid Criminals: The “That’s a Pisser” Edition

Um…..methinks he’s in more trouble now than he was!

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) – Authorities say a man was arrested for stealing a small refrigerator from a probation office used to store urine samples, including his own. The Alachua County Sheriff’s Office said a 26-year-old man stole the fridge after testing positive for drug use. Police said he went to the office Sunday, shot out a window to get inside and removed the locked refrigerator.

Probation officers gave investigators a list of names of those whose drug samples were stored in the stolen fridge. Investigators tracked down the suspect at his home where they found shards of glass with blood on them.

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It’s 2 Degrees in My Yard – Global Warming My Ass

Chicken Little MSM and Obama:  “The Sky Is Falling!”

WASHINGTON — When Bill Clinton took office in 1993, global warming was a slow-moving environmental problem that was easy to ignore. Now it is a ticking time bomb that President-elect Barack Obama can’t avoid.

Since Clinton’s inauguration, summer Arctic sea ice has lost the equivalent of Alaska, California and Texas. The 10 hottest years on record have occurred since Clinton’s second inauguration. Global warming is accelerating. Time is close to running out, and Obama knows it.

“The time for delay is over; the time for denial is over,” he said on Tuesday after meeting with former Vice President Al Gore, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. “We all believe what the scientists have been telling us for years now that this is a matter of urgency and national security and it has to be dealt with in a serious way.”

But there are powerful political and economic realities that must be quickly overcome for Obama to succeed. Despite the urgency he expresses, it’s not at all clear that he and Congress will agree on an approach during a worldwide financial crisis in time to meet some of the more crucial deadlines.

Obama is pushing changes in the way Americans use energy, and produce greenhouse gases, as part of what will be a massive economic stimulus. He called it an opportunity “to re-power America.”

…and it goes on and on!

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Let’s Celebrate!

This week we celebrate:

• Lipstick Week
• International Language Week
• Saturnalia
• Gluten-Free Baking Week

This week’s daily parties:

• Cat Herders Day (12/15)
• Barbie and Barney Backlash Day (12/16)
• National Chocolate-covered Anything Day (12/16)
• Wear a Plunger on Your Head Day (12/18)
• Underdog Day  (12/19)
• Sacagawea Day (12/20)
• Flashlight Day (12/21)
• Humbug Day (12/21)
• Phileas Fog Win a Wager Day (12/21)
• National Haiku Poetry Day (12/21)

Don’t Mess Around In Rush Limbaugh’s Hometown

This woman should be given a medal.

An intended rape victim shot and killed her attacker this morning in Cape Girardeau when he broke into her home to rape her a second time, police said.
The woman told police he was the same man who raped her several days earlier.

The 57-year-old woman shot Ronnie W. Preyer, 47, a registered sex offender, in the chest with a shotgun when he broke through her locked basement door.

The woman told police he was the same man who raped her several days earlier. Officials do not intend to seek charges against her.

He Ain’t Dead Yet!

Unbelievable!

A Romanian man has won a year-long fight to persuade the courts that he isn’t dead.

Gheroghe Stirbu, from Timisoara, tried to renew his identity card but was told by officials that he had been registered as dead.

Bungling civil servants had mixed him up with another man but although Stirbu pointed out what they had done they refused to acknowledge their mistake until Stirbu won a 12 month legal claim to be declared alive.

Judges renewed his status as alive – and then charged him £500 in court costs.

Mr Stirbu said: “When the judge ruled in my favour I was absolutely delighted – and then seconds later was absolutely shocked when I found out I would have to pay so much in legal bills.

“I will of course appeal the imposition of the costs but I am already beginning to wonder whether or not I would have been better off staying dead.”

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He’ll Be at the Bar Forever!

A Northamptonshire man’s last wish has been honoured – when his ashes were buried in the pub where he spent nearly all of his life.

Former landlord Jack Woodward’s remains lie beneath a flagstone with a plaque saying: “Stand here and have a drink on me.”

He was born in the 17th-century Boat Inn, worked there since he was 14 and lived there until shortly before his death in May, aged 83.

Jack’s will said he wanted his ashes to remain in the public bar as his final resting place.

Eldest son Andrew, 52, who now runs the pub at Stoke Bruerne, near Towcester, said: “Dad is in an oak casket exactly where he wanted to be.

“He was born in the pub and spent almost his whole life here. He used to sit in the bar quite a bit. It was where he would have a drink with some of the regulars.”

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Stupid Criminals: The “Read the Directions” Edition

OMG!

BEDFORD — For all the bad things you can find on the Internet, the “Six Easy Steps to Committing Armed Robbery” could be the worst when taken seriously.

“This is one for the books for us,” Beford Police Detective Shawn Klubnik said.

Detective Klubnik says friends Jocelyn Addison, Nia Mcbrayer and Jennifer Wattson used the downloaded instructions to rob the Dollar Tree on Rockside Road in Bedford Heights last Monday night.

“One of the girls was being kicked out of her home and she didn’t have any money,” Det. Klubnik said.

Police say the three suspects followed most of the suggested steps. They had a plan, masks, and a gun – albeit it an unloaded bb gun.

“This is aggravated robbery with a gun spec, whether it was a bb gun, plastic play gun or the real gun, the law looks at it the same,” Det. Klubnik said.

Even though the would-be robbers left the store empty-handed, they were outfoxed by the manager, who told them the safe could not be opened.

Police were on top of the suspects at I-271 and Rockside Road, not a mile from the Dollar Tree. Facing several officers with guns drawn, the suspects surrendered, tears streaming down their faces and volunteering any information the cops wanted.

What was skipped over from the outcome was step 5 – ”avoid police.”

“They messed up with staying away from police. They couldn’t do that one,” Det. Klubnik said.

Had they been successful, the final lesson is how to spend all the money fast. It suggests buying lots of “bling.”

Instead, the next time their surfing the web, they might want to find an escape plan as the suspects remain behind bars.

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Whoops!

You need a back-up, Dood!

DEARBORN – Police had to help free a woman handcuffed by her amorous husband this morning.

The husband misplaced the key to the cuffs and police were summed about 7:15 a.m. today to help set his embarrassed wife free, said Dearborn Police Sgt. Ray Patrick.

Patrick admitted the incident had “comedic value” but that no crime was committed.

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Stupid Criminals: The “Say Cheese” Edition

Poster boys for the criminally inept:

DAVENPORT, Iowa— A group of security cameras stolen from a pedestrian bridge in Davenport last week may ultimately help authorities nab the culprits.

That’s because police say the cameras snapped pictures of the alleged suspects just before they were stolen.

Police arrested and charged a Davenport teenager Tuesday with participating in the damage and theft of the cameras at the Davenport SkyBridge.

Police have charged 19-year-old Robert Newton with second-degree criminal mischief and theft. Newton bond is set at $6,500.

Authorities are searching for additional suspects. They say they were able to retrieve images recorded during the theft to identify those responsible.

The cameras were installed to monitor pedestrian traffic and identify people involved in acts of criminal damage.

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