Surviving Thanksgiving

Just a handy guide to surviving Thanksgiving this year:

  1. Make sure the turkey is thawing two or three days prior to the big day.
  2. Wash and chop as much as you can the night before.
  3. If your big meal is lunch, push it off to 1 or 2 o’clock and sleep in an extra hour. You’ll need your strength.
  4. Allow 4-5 hours for a good size turkey to cook. Get your bird in the oven.
  5. Have a drink. Don’t worry if it’s only 9AM. Have a good stiff drink.
  6. Finish off your other dishes while the big bird browns.
  7. Crack a beer while you chop.
  8. Clean as you go.
  9. Enjoy your huge family meal with a big glass of wine or a beer or two.
  10. Scoot back from the table, loosen your belt and enjoy dessert.
  11. Fore go coffee with your dessert. Instead have a nice brandy or cocktail with that pie.
  12. Clear the table and don’t worry with the dishes.
  13. Join the family and reminisce about holidays gone by over a hard, hot apple cider.
  14. Call your cousin a whore for dating a Puerto Rican.
  15. Poke your uncle in the chest with two fingers when he comes to his daughter’s defense.
  16. Spill your cider.
  17. Get a beer to replace it.
  18. Tell you mom that you’ve always thought those penciled in eyebrows look ridiculous.
  19. Spill your beer.
  20. Get a beer to replace it.
  21. Challenge your dad to “take it outside” since he followed you to the kitchen cussing you out for the remark about his wife’s eyebrows.
  22. Take it outside.
  23. Fight with your dad on the front lawn until the police arrive with the TV crew from Cops.
  24. Throw a beer can at the cops.
  25. Wrestle with the cops until you’re naked.
  26. Call home and cuss your brother out while asking him to come bail you out of jail.
  27. Meet a new friend named Bruce.
  28. Make bail.
  29. Ride home with your brother and dad in an awkward silence.
  30. Clean up the dishes.
  31. Go shopping on Black Friday for a new TV because you can’t figure out how yours got a shoe through the screen.
  32. Make a leftover turkey sandwich and watch yourself on Cops.
  33. What the heck, have a beer.
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