If Harold Jones offers you gum — do not take it!
Why? The former North Carolina college maintenance worker has been charged with a felony for food tampering after allegedly masturbating in a woman’s office and then touching the gum to his privates before RE-WRAPPING THE GUM AND LEAVING IT AS A GIFT ON HER DESK.
WRAL, the local station covering this story, is treating this story of a guy doubling his pleasure like it’s Watergate, with near round-the-clock coverage of the confectionery crime. This report has the best unintentionally hilarious line, when reporter Amanda Lamb says, “Because the college is a government facility, they can’t ban anyone, including Jones, from coming on campus.” He, he!
Jones, for his part, told Lamb he was “truly sorry,” but thought cops were going overboard. “Arrested? For what?” he wants to know. “What did I do to her personally?”